EP24: Starting Over in Your 30s

Sometimes starting over means packing your bags and moving across the country. Sometimes it’s a big career pivot. Other times it’s auditioning to be a Victoria Secret model or playing ice hockey again after 12 years off. Whatever the new and scary thing you’re after, trust us when we say…you can do hard things! Join Vanessa and Mimi in rebuilding their lives while battling self-doubt and perimenopause because really what else can you do but be a beginner one more time?

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:01

Oh, hey. Hi.

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Testing, testing, testing.

SPEAKER_05 0:08

I am Amy Hayes.

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 0:11

And I'm Vanessa Simone. And we are the girls next for. Sorry, I didn't tell you we started, but we did. We started. Surprise. Oh good. Um, we are on the floor today, which is a metaphor for today's episode. What does today's episode be?

SPEAKER_00 0:26

We are talking about starting over in your 30s.

SPEAKER_05 0:30

Have you ever started over in your 30s?

SPEAKER_00 0:32

Yes, I'm 35. I'm starting over.

SPEAKER_05 0:35

I'm 34 and I'm starting over.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

Yeah. I'm starting a new career. Yeah. Yikers. Yikers! Never heard you say that. I think it's you rubbing off on.

SPEAKER_05 0:48

I am rubbing off on you. Hondo P.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

Now I know what that means.

SPEAKER_05 0:55

Um, I guess have you ever tried to Okay, so this is not my first time starting over in my 30s. I'm like time two or three at this point, I feel like. Um, so is this your first do you feel like this is your first time starting over, or have you done this before?

SPEAKER_00 1:10

I've done it before, but not in terms of career. Okay. So this is my first time starting over in terms of like maybe no, my second time in terms of career. But multiple times starting over in other aspects of whether it's new hobbies or something like that. But this is the first big thing I'm starting over with.

SPEAKER_05 1:34

Big life change.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

Yeah, big life change that I'm starting over with.

SPEAKER_05 1:38

Yeah, because we definitely started over in our 20s with where we were living, which can be the ultimate form of starting over because you feel like you're literally sitting in a new apartment with like a box on the floor, and you're like, what have I done to my life?

SPEAKER_01 1:53

What am I doing? You don't know what it is.

SPEAKER_05 1:55

No, no, snow. Um so the first time I started over was 20. I moved to LA at 29 and I moved into a warehouse. And the backstory behind that is that I wanted to break into screenwriting and move to LA. And I wanted it so bad that I, and I was so unhappy in my life. I was working a corporate job and I had all this money I wasn't spending because I was just like so unhappy I couldn't even like, you know, like I was traveling a bit, but I wasn't really like doing what I wanted to be doing. And so I wanted to move to LA and I did that, but I did it very quickly and without really thinking. Part of my starting over is um spontaneity and just waking up one day and going, today's the day that I move across the country, pack my bags, and dup it out. Don't know why I shameled like this, but no one either, but we like it. Um so the warehouse was something I found on Craigslist where all good stories begin. And it was 800 bucks a month. And it was good for LA, right? Except it was off of Skid Row. And if you know about the term Skid Row, it is a very not safe area. And I definitely was driving through tent villages of homeless people and lived in a warehouse with no sunlight. And I remember talking to my therapist that had just left in Colorado, and I think she gave me a couple of free sessions on my way out because I was like, I'm doing a big life transition, like I'm gonna need some help here. Yeah, and I remember calling her from the airport because I'd come back to Colorado for some reason, and then I was going back to LA. I don't know, I was in an airport and I called her on the floor. I was sitting on the floor, like we are now, and I was like, I think I screwed up my whole life, I think I just messed up my whole life. Like, I'm in a warehouse, I'm 29. I I don't know what I'm doing. And she was a good therapist. I don't know what she said, but she it obviously made me feel better. Um and then time goes by and you start to evolve and grow, and you're not always in a in a period of starting over.

SPEAKER_03 4:06

Right, right.

SPEAKER_05 4:07

So walk me through how you're starting over right now, and maybe your your deepest fears about this new transition.

SPEAKER_00 4:16

So I currently work as in corporate, like many of you. I don't really love it, and it's uh the fears that I'm having are a is this gonna work out? Because my thing is I don't want to come back and I don't want to fall into the comforts, the false comforts, because I think we've been taught that when you get a job or when you do the status quo, it's going to be what is going to pay the bills and all these things, which is true to an extent, but I think that our souls die in the process. And for me, my biggest fear is A, I don't want to have to come back, B, I'm not gonna have any money. Uh C, like the list just goes on and on. But I think it's more just that initial hump of what the hell am I doing? Um is this going to work out? Is this going to be um successful? Which I don't know why we I tend to do that automatically of if it's gonna be successful instead of thinking, hey, do it because you want to. And do it because you're you have one life to live. You don't have time to, you know, you just do it. The worst that you could happen is you might come back or whatever.

SPEAKER_05 5:34

I was just about to say that, you know, reframing it as like, so what if you had to come back? Yeah. Then you rebuild again, you go back out again.

SPEAKER_00 5:41

Exactly.

SPEAKER_05 5:42

You know, and as someone who's done that several times over, I do feel like it's hard. It gets harder and harder. The more times you come back, the harder it gets. Because for me, coming back means back to square one, back to my hometown, back to my parents' house, you know, and I start to feel behind in my life, especially now that we're rebuilding in our 30s. We're getting our making our way to middle age here. I'm already perimenopausal. We got called 22-year-olds the other day, and I said, ma'am, she was like, We are daughters your age.

SPEAKER_00 6:16

I was like, ma'am, no, you don't.

SPEAKER_05 6:18

No, you don't. And she looked pretty young.

SPEAKER_01 6:20

She looked young. And I was like, okay, I know we look young, but I said, ma'am, I'm I'm perimenopausal.

SPEAKER_05 6:28

We're really night sweats are a thing. And it's it should be talked about. And you know, so it gets harder when you're in your 30s and you have like, I guess, more to lose, you know, like you have there's more expectations on you, you have bigger expectations for yourself. Right. You know, you're like, oh, I'm I'm 34 or 35. I should have a 401k, I should have a retirement account, I should have a savings. And it's like there are no shoulds. Like, you know, if you start from square one again and you start with zero dollars, the bet, you know, you're just gonna go up from there. All the the you're just gonna keep moving up. You can't go lower than zero dollars. I mean, you can't, you okay, you're in debt. But you know what I mean? Like, if your bank account is empty, you can grow, you can get a job, you can go back to work, you can save money, you can move out again. Like, I think we just have to let go of that fear of, you know, I'm gonna screw it up and I'm gonna come back because so what if so what if we do? Right, you know, I've been back and forth and I'm I'm the boomerang baby of my family. Like every couple of years, they're like, here she comes again. And what'd you learn this time? And I'm like, absolutely nothing.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

Nothing this time.

SPEAKER_05 7:39

No, I learn a lot in the process. I learn a lot when I um fail. You know, we talked about if you lose, you win. That's one of our episodes too, from The Artist Way. So, you know, how are you gonna reframe that for yourself with this transition? And how can you better like prepare yourself for that?

SPEAKER_00 7:55

Yeah. Well, I'm also thinking, too, um, I'm still reading Emma Greed's book, Start with Yourself. And one thing I'm noticing too is between that book, she talks a lot about just taking that risk while you want to, while it's on while you have that fear. And the reason why you take that risk while you have that fear is because sometimes that fear is telling you, hey, there's something really good on the other side of this that you need to explore, that you need to figure out. And so I'm telling myself, like, there's something really good on the other side of this because the last time that I followed my gut instinct of, oh, I want to live in a new place, it worked out pretty well. I mean, like, maybe it wasn't the best, but you know, it was one of the life experiences that I can never ever, I never ever regret any single moment of it. And in fact, it was the time when I learned the most out of my life, and I think it shaped me into who I am today. So I think for me, I'm looking at this fear of yes, I have this fear and I'm terrified, but I know I have to explore it because if I don't, my fear, my greater fear is regretting it, but also I know I like deep down know that on the other side of me moving, on the other side of me making a new career, I know I'm very good at things I love and that I'm passionate about, and I haven't given myself the chance yet. So even though I'm scared, I'm doing it with fear because I know that there's something good on the other side, even though I don't know what it is, I just know that there's something good on the other side. So that's kind of how I've been reframing it for myself because yeah, if not, you just wallow in the what-ifs and the what ifs and the what ifs aren't happening, they're not actually going on right now, right? So it's like you could do the what if, or you could do the what is actually happening, or the what was, you know. And so I want to look back and be like, hey, I did it. I tried that, you know.

SPEAKER_05 9:54

And I have a hard time, you know, we both left New York City because of a global pandemic. Yeah. So let's I have to get clear about that myself because I often see it as a failure of coming back. But it took it took a global pandemic to get us back from New York City. Like we were gonna be there. Come hell or high water. It was only because of a cataclysmic event that we had to leave.

SPEAKER_00 10:16

A cataclysmic event.

SPEAKER_05 10:17

And so, you know, I think about that too in terms of like the future. And it's like, you know, there are gonna be things that are outside of our control. So all we can really control is our mindset and to keep going with the fear and say, you know what, the economy might crash, World War III might break out, but I still have to try. Yeah, you know, sometimes I I feel like I'm trying to talk myself out of it because I'm like the world's so bad. I can't start over now. I should just stay safe, I should stay at home, I should stay where I am because it's scary out there. But you know, I'm not gonna grow that way. I'm never gonna achieve my dreams that way. And guess what? The world will continue on.

SPEAKER_03 10:58

Yeah, even if the new war is on.

SPEAKER_05 11:00

Like, watch us be like, it's World War III, and we're still like, hey guys, we're starting a new podcast. Starting a new podcast again. This one's called How to Survive World War III. With your guests, you're experts. Um, and I don't know, it's just there's something kind of funny about that. Like, it's like the picture of um, you know, Titanic and the musicians. Oh, what's what's what's going on? Do I have a hair? Oh, there's food on my face. Um, but you know, um the the uh musicians that are still playing while the boat is going down. I think about that, and that's kind of how I want to approach my art. It's just like even if the ship is going down, you gotta keep playing. You gotta keep playing.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

If if anything, too, that's what keeps your soul alive and keeps you having hope. Because I think when we're actually working on our projects, we're having hope. But I also want to talk to you about um sometimes we might feel obligated to stay stuck or stagnant because of others around us. Like my sister, uh, she just moved back to Colorado. So now our whole family is in Colorado, and I'm like, yeah, and I'm about to be out. See ya. And it's so funny because the other day, like, while I do a lot of stuff in downtown Denver, I live outside in suburbia land. And she was my sister was like, What if I find a two-bedroom and you come live with me? And for a split second, I thought about it and I was like, wait, no, no, no, no, no. That's not the end goal. Like, that's gonna deter me from you know actually doing what I want to do. And even with my sister being back and our families all here again for the first time, and then I tell them, like, well, enjoy it because it's not gonna last that long. And they're like, You're leaving. I didn't tell them, I just told briefly told them. But it's like they almost think that you have to stay. Like, there's these invisible contracts that we write into ourselves that, oh, you gotta stay because you know, you want to be a good family member. I want to be a good daughter, or because I mean, I've I'm very fortunate in that. Like, my parents own their own company and I work for them, but like I know that that's not me, but I know I can do other things. And sometimes I feel the guilt of, oh, you know, you're you're throwing it all away to go pursue what you want. When it's like, well, yeah, in a way, because it's not like my soul isn't on fire, and I'm not I'm very good at things when my soul is on fire for it. And I'm very bad at anything else. And I've come to terms with that. And so that's things, something I've learned in my 30s that I've always been that way, but I just now am realizing that in my 30s.

SPEAKER_05 13:47

So well, I think in your 20s too, you're a lot more um likely to sign those invisible contracts and be like, you're right, like mom and dad are getting older, like I do have a niece and a nephew I gotta take care of, or I do have to do this, or you feel obligated. But in your 30s, you start to realize what really matters to you, and you you start honestly giving less fucks about what other people think, yeah, you know, and you start going, Well, what do I want? And this life is limited. You get one life to live.

SPEAKER_02 14:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 14:18

And I've seen people at the end of their lives who are miserable and regret things and still, you know, have ill feelings towards other people because of trauma, because of a lot of different things, but I don't want to be that person. I don't want to get to that time and who knows how long I'm gonna live. I don't know the day I'm gonna die, but I want to approach that day feeling really like I did everything I wanted to do. I tried it all, I failed a bunch. I loved super big, super loud, you know. And the fact of the matter is, like, you know, you're you're just not built for that invisible contract. You're not built for that conventional life that your family is living. We're not meant to be here. We just happen to be here and we know that. And I think that's can be kind of frustrating. I'm super impatient. Same that I want to live that on the other side of the fear. I want to just wake up and be there tomorrow. Yeah. So it takes a lot of patience and a lot of like, okay, I'm not where I want to be right now. But that's just temporary, that's just a right now thing.

SPEAKER_00 15:21

And that's I think that's the other thing is we forget that because I'm very much like that. I mean, this a couple weeks ago, we were both in California and I love Manhattan Beach. Can I afford a thing there? No. But not me thinking I'm gonna move to California and be beachfront, you know, like very first thing. And so it's like I have to be realistic with myself in the way of okay, you want this goal and you can get it, maybe not in a month, you know. But so I can be impatient, but also acknowledging that just because you are doing something for you doesn't mean you're a bad sister, you're a bad daughter, you're a bad family member, or whatever. These things are gonna happen. It doesn't mean that you can't still support and help out the people. Um, because I mean, God knows every family is going through a lot that you can't see, but like you have to know that your dreams are number one, like nothing is going to get in the way. Like nothing is going to get in the way. And I I think knowing that as difficult it's so funny because when you it's almost like when you set a date and when you set the time, it's almost as if every single test comes at you to almost make you not do the thing that you actually want to do and that you're supposed to do. And that's been interesting because it's like ever since I booked my like flight or whatever, it's been like, oh, so this is happening and this is happening, this is happening. I've had some family things happen that I'm like, oh crap, you know, and then other things happen, and it's like I I cannot let those things, even though yes, I can be there for them, but I also need to remember that it's my life too, and that I need to take a chance on me. I've been here for X amount of years already. So, like you had me for that, you know? Um, and just really focusing and honing in on the goal and like it's okay to start over, and telling myself over and over again, it's okay to start over because I do think we tend to yeah, guilt ourselves because we think, like you said, we we should be at this place at this age, and this place at this age. And um even reading the same book I've been reading from Emma Greed, and it's watching her because she said, you know, she grinded in her 20s and now in her 30s, so she could set up herself for her 30s and her 40s. And I'm like, well, I didn't, so I'm in my 30s grinding, you know? So and it's like don't you can't have that comparison, which I know is so much easier said than done. But I think when you're focused on your vision, you're actually daily making progression toward your goals, even though they might be small, that really does help build the confidence that you have within you. Um, because I think another thing for me, I'm just rambling, I'm sorry, but girl, get after it. Get after it. But one thing I do that kind of helps me with the confidence of starting over or like being able to build my confidence of oh, Vanessa, you can do hard things is every day, like I have one thing a day. Like for me, I work out in the morning only because if I work out, I tell like it tells myself, okay, you already did one hard thing, you can do another, you can do another, you can do another. And that's honestly the only reason I work at that because I like to sleep. So I feel like it's whatever it is for you. Like, if you can read that book or you start like the in our previous podcast, maybe you were saying you start for five minutes of writing, and then because you're very good at writing every single day, and you do even your note cards, the ones where you do the daily yeah, that's so and that helps me see how far I've come.

SPEAKER_05 19:08

So this was honestly a system I developed um in 2015. So now we're going on over a decade of doing this, and the only reason behind it was because I knew I wouldn't be able to remember my life because I had a brain injury, and so I was like, and at the time I thought I wanted kids, and so I was like, I want my kids to read these note cards and see what I did with my life because I'm not gonna be able to articulate all these adventures. I can't remember, you know, I can't remember what I had for breakfast, and that's like a real thing for me. Like memory is everyone says that, but like memory is a real issue for me now in my life, and so I knew that going into this, and so I was like, well, what if I could document every day of my life in a small, easy way? And I I honestly saw it on Pinterest, and it was a box of note cards, a little open box, and the note cards were standing straight up, and there were 365 of them. Um, is there a do we add a day? Is there ever 366 days in a year, or did I just make that up?

SPEAKER_00 20:08

Um, I think it goes 364 or 365 for a leap years.

SPEAKER_05 20:12

Yeah, for a leap year. Okay, so I had an extra card in there, I think, for the leap year. Um, anyway, 360 something cards in there, and they each have the uh date on them. So May 1st is today's card. And then going down the note card is the year. So 2015, 2016, all the way down to 2026. And at that timestamp for the year, I write one sentence that takes up one, maybe two lines about what I did that day. Could be good, could be bad, could be I just got broken up with. It could be I did a podcast today about starting over in your 30s. I had a really great sandwich today. Like it's really whatever I feel. And I fill it up at the end of the day, just one line, and then I put it back in the stack. And first of all, you wouldn't believe how many patterns show up. You come up a lot. You really do. Um, and it's like on the same day. So, like sometimes like we do a podcast, I go to the note card, and I see that you I also hung out with you in 2015. And I also hung out with you in 2018 on this day. And there were different things we did each time. One was like watching an episode of The Bachelor, and the next year it was like we went to a park together. Like, you know, like there were just things that we were doing.

SPEAKER_00 21:22

And then one year we applied for The Bachelor together.

SPEAKER_05 21:25

And then we show up and we apply to be on The Bachelor, and that's wild. And so, like, all these things end up and then patterns show up. Sometimes I have like a bad day on the same day, and I'm not even, I don't look at the cards ahead of time. I think just subconsciously, like mid February, I have like a breakdown and I like sleep all day. That's like the same day. It's like February 11th. You know, at this point, I just kind of have that in my body now that I'm gonna do that. But anyway, it helps me kind of think about um I spilled my water ipsies. Um, it helps me think about my life as. This moment right now is so small compared to my whole life. This moment where I feel anxious about starting over is such a small piece of the puzzle that it's such a bigger picture than that, you know. Because 10 years ago, I couldn't fathom that I would do a podcast. Yeah. That I would have the confidence to get on a microphone, that I would, you know, have friends for a long amount of time. Like you're one of my longest standing friends. Like it's a big deal. I love you. It's a big deal. You know, and have that support. And that's the thing I want to talk about too is the support that you need to start over in your 30s. And if it's not coming from your family, where does it come from for you?

SPEAKER_00 22:39

Mine definitely comes from friends like you. And then I also, this is another thing I do when I start over. I reach out to anybody and everybody who's done something before I have, and I basically become friends with them. And I've noticed that's helpful because you you are who you hang out with. So if I hang out with people who in California, they obviously move there. So it'll help me move there if I start making things about that. Like um, yeah, when I first graduated college, I remember I wanted to be in fashion, so I just went to every fashion event and made friends with fashion people. And I'm doing the same now. And so I think that's one way that um I start over too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 23:29

Yeah. Having um that's a very intentional choice, right? To be like, I'm gonna go find people that are doing what I want to do or have done in the past, that's really smart. You know? Um, I also have a lot of friends who have started over in their 30s and 40s, and they're a great place to go when you're like, um, I'm sleeping on a mystery bed that I found in a warehouse. What's wrong with me? And they're like, nothing. Nothing is wrong with you. You're exactly where you need to be. I'm like, okay, if you say so. But they've started over. They were on a mystery mattress. You know, they were they were moving, and moving does it for me. I think moving is a really hard transition for my body because it's so taxiing and it's so it feels so bad for me because I like being in a space where I feel at home. And when you first move, especially if you're in a new state or even a new country, I've done that too. Yeah. Um, nothing is in order, everything's in a box. You don't really know your roommates if you have a roommate, you know, like you don't know the city, you don't know where to get a good slice of pizza, like you just don't know anything. And so you feel very isolated, very alone. But that's exactly how you're supposed to feel when you get somewhere new, you know, and it's it's temporary, it's not forever. Um, you make new friends, you get to know your roommates, you find that pizza place you like, you know, and then it starts to feel like home, and now all of a sudden you're okay, you know, and you're like, okay, it's not perfect, but this is my part of the world, and I'm here and I'm where I need to be. But in the initial phases of moving, and you have the boxes and you're spending a lot of money on new furniture and like all this crap, and it's just like, oh my God, what am I doing with my life? And yeah, it's hard to not compare yourself to other people that have themselves established or have lived in the same place for a number of years and don't have that level of change. I mean, you know, when those um it's some kind of I don't know, like government document. It asks you for all your old addresses. I can't remember why I was doing this, but I had to pull up every single address I'd ever lived in.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

That's so annoying.

SPEAKER_05 25:36

It was like 15, 16 places.

SPEAKER_00 25:38

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_05 25:39

And I was like, so I've moved on average once or twice a year for the past like 15 years.

SPEAKER_00 25:47

My gosh, dude.

SPEAKER_05 25:49

Like, whoa. And finally I saved them all, you know, because like I'm like, uh, I think I lived here. I'd have to go with the Google Street View and like look at the house and find this the number. Cause I'm like, I can't remember where I lived in 2015, you know. Um, but that level of change can really make you feel a sort of way. I felt a sort of way about that. I was like, I've lived in too many places. I've done I've just, you know, I want to be more stable. I don't want to move every year.

SPEAKER_00 26:14

But I'm the opposite. I'm like, I need to move every year. Yeah, because I've been pretty stable for the past six years. So yeah.

SPEAKER_05 26:23

And for me, it's a little similar. I've been back and forth for those six years. So three here, one in LA. And then before LA, I was about two years here. Um, so that that math is out. That math works, right? Um, but yeah, none of that actually matters. Like it doesn't actually matter at all. It's just like, how do you feel about your life? And if you want to change it, are you gonna change it?

SPEAKER_03 26:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 26:50

And how are you gonna change it? And whether that means packing two bags and getting the hell out of Dodge because I get it, because I did that. Right. Or if it's like, hey, I'm gonna plan this out for a year and then go make my jump, you know. But um, starting over is healthy, it's there's nothing wrong with you for wanting to start over.

SPEAKER_00 27:10

Um And I will say another way that I start over is by new endeavors. Like today, Mimi walked in. I was panicking. I'm still panicked. Um, I'm literally doing a little film, the first one of the first films I've ever made on my own. Um, that and then like Victoria's Secret just came out with their open casting, and I was like, I'm gonna try that because last year I started modeling at 34 years old, you know. So it's like little things here and there that also help you start over. Cause I'm like, I've I didn't think people in their 30s could model, so I'm like, oh and and then I'm also changing the narrative. Like you can be in your 30s and your 40s, and I want to start so many other things. So I think starting over could also look like it doesn't necessarily look like a move or a career change, but even just oh, you've always wanted to try that and we're doing it and not letting your age be a deterrent or something that is negative, because especially as somebody in the arts, because uh I feel like they're like, if you're not 20, you're irrelevant. And I'm like Which is not the truth. It's not the truth. Yeah, and in fact, so many ladies, a lot of um this inspiration has come from and a lot of the overcoming this fear of this move has come from women in their 40s and 50s. There was this trend going around on TikTok where older women are basically saying there's gonna come a time in your life when you're in your forties or when you're in your 30s, whatever decade they say, and you're gonna either you could either choose to stay where you are or you could choose to like like the leap. And then they look at you in the camera and they say, You're gonna do it. You're gonna choose the one that scares you.

SPEAKER_01 29:01

And I'm like, this scares the shit out of me. So I'm gonna do it because I have to, because it's scary. I'm just shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. A lot of shit in my pants. So yeah, we gotta just do it. We're so do it with your shitty pants.

SPEAKER_05 29:21

I am definitely rubbing off on you. That is something I would say. Um, yeah, yeah. And what I think is really uh helpful for me to think too, because we've been reading the artist way, right? And so it's all about like reconnecting to your childhood self. I think starting over can be also reconnecting with something from childhood that you like for me, it was hockey. So I played hockey for all of my childhood. I played Division III barely, like played 15 minutes in in college. Uh, but then I quit. And I quit for uh 12 years. And it finally came back to me in 2024. And someone just asked me, Have you ever thought of playing again? And I said yes. And I was like, Who said that? Like, I didn't know that I wanted that, but in something inside of me said, I think I would like to try again. And this time it's gonna be different because I'm not, you know, so focused on playing and winning and like impressing my coach. I just want to see if I can do it again and see if I can learn. I had to learn all my skills over again because my body lost all muscle memory from a high-level athlete to I can't even skate. And so to me, it was a challenge to be like, can I learn it again? Can I start over and be a beginner? Because that's a big part of starting over, is I have to accept that I'm a beginner and be okay with that.

SPEAKER_00 30:50

And death to yeah, you literally have to kill that ego and be okay with the embarrassment of being a beginner, which honestly, if you think about it though, time is gonna go on regardless. So it's so cool that you're doing that, you know, because now you have you're gonna have three years under your belt. Two years, three years, whatever.

SPEAKER_05 31:10

Yeah, and I'm playing almost as good as I was in college. I mean, I'll never be quite as flexible or quite as in shape as I was at the age of, you know, 19, 34 now. That we're never gonna get back there. But what I've built now is something that's like kind of fun. And it's like, oh, could I get there? Could I do this? Can I make that safe? Like, and it's a challenge. And so being a beginner at it and accepting the challenge and the fear of it. And I remember I didn't tell anybody I used to play. So I signed myself up the first time I got back on the ice after 12 years and two brain injuries. It was a goalie clinic because I'm a goalie, so I'm a little tiny goalie in the net, and I look really silly because I'm wearing a bunch of equipment. And uh, it was a goalie clinic, and my friends were there to shoot on me, and there was just all goalies there. And when I'm getting ready, and people are like, Oh, yeah, you play in the league. And I was like, hmm, I'm not gonna reveal. I'm not gonna tell them I played in college because if I fall on my face, which I did, I don't want to look a fool. You know, and so it's like this fear of looking, looking a sort of way, looking like you don't know what you're doing. But it's like it was fine. It was fine that I fell. It was fine that I wasn't good. It was fine because we were it was a clinic. It was we're supposed to be learning. There were women there who had never played before. And so who am I to be like, I'm better than that? No, I'm not. Like, I'm gonna fall on my face and have to relearn every single thing that I used to be really good at. And so sometimes that's all that it means is just to be like, listen, we're gonna fail. I'm gonna be okay on the other side of the failure is a win. It's a win that I even tried.

SPEAKER_00 32:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 32:49

You know, some people never try.

SPEAKER_00 32:51

Yeah, some people never try.

SPEAKER_05 32:53

So, challenge accepted. Go try something, go get back to something. Go do something that scares the hell out of you. Even if that's going to the gym at 6 a.m., like this crazy fucker over here. 6 a.m. She's in the gym. I can't believe it.

SPEAKER_00 33:06

You came with me one time.

SPEAKER_05 33:07

I did one time, one singular time.

SPEAKER_01 33:10

I was like, this is hard. I want to go back to bed.

SPEAKER_00 33:16

You can do hard things.

SPEAKER_05 33:17

You can. You can do hard things. All right, V, who are we? The girls for see you next time.